Tuesday, March 23, 2010

From Kama to Prema... the Road to Divine Love

I know it's been awhile since last I wrote, but the mundane-- yet important-- obligations of life have consumed my time recently. So now that my taxes, continuing education requirements, course curriculums and parenting paperwork have been completed, I can concentrate on telling you about Session #20.

But first, here's a little background info on my Sessions with Nigel and some more Sahajiya East Indian philosophy. I will get to the sex soon, I promise!

Session #20 happened in early February of this year about six weeks following Session #19. Before Session #19, Nigel and I had not been together sexually for over a year. With the exception of the first few months of our relationship, that's pretty much how it’s been for the past five-and-a-half years... on again, off again. The general scenario is that Nigel is single, dating and whenever he hasn't been with anyone in awhile we get together. Usually after about two of our reunion Sessions, he starts dating again and gets into a semi-serious relationship for a couple of months. We don’t start back up till its over.

This cycle has happened at least a dozen times. At first it was very hard on me because I would get incredibly jealous of these other women, but now I realize that it was-- and still is-- an opportunity for me to grow spiritually. An important part of the Sahajiya relationship is that it involves non-attachment and separation. There can be no possession of each other in the conventional sense. For the experience to be pure, the quality of letting go must always be there. Each Sahajiya encounter must be approached as if it might be the last.

A second important part of the Sahajiya relationship is that it also cultivates the feeling of a deep longing, called "viraha." The greater the viraha, the greater the experience of self-knowledge and Divine Love. It's like, "The more you want something, the sweeter it is when you get it" idea. The longing deepens the experience. The spiritual challenge, for me, is in balancing the viraha, the longing, with the letting go... a divine paradox for sure. If I clutch and hold on tight, I lose it. If I trust and let go, it comes back. The practice is to stay blissfully unattached; easier said than done, but I have made progress.

Finally, the third important part of the Sahajiya relationship is the conversion of "kama," carnal attraction and desire, to "prema," true love as exhibited by Krishna and Radha, the role model relationship. In a Sahajiya union, a strong kama is necessary, at least at first-- so kama is actually a very good thing. But unless kama-- the desire to satisfy only the senses-- is transformed into prema-- a selfless Divine Love-- the path will not lead to ultimate joy. In fact, rather, the path leads to misery and discontent as one can get caught up in the egotistical and vain limitations of a non-spiritual sexual release and the baser human emotions that go along with it (like my insane jealousies!). Kama is the road, prema is the destination and when you have arrived duality ceases and a Blissful Oneness is experienced. Great!!! But once again, easier said than done. I have made lots of progress, however, here as well. Through this Sahajiya relationship my heart has grown fuller with love and gratitude... especially, and unexpectedly, for my husband Will.

I hope you have found all of this obscure East Indian philosophy interesting. It is necessary for me to talk about it because it gives you a basis as to the nature of my sexual relationship with Nigel.

And so, here it is, Session #20, hang on....

I arrive on a Monday night around 7:30PM as planned. I come straight from an advanced yoga class and am feeling vital and alive. It takes about an hour to get there since Nigel lives out in the country, outside of Austin in the San Marcos area. (I have a full description of his place in my up-coming memoir THE NIGEL SESSIONS, so I won't go into great detail of it here). He lives on land that he loves and where he has built a small, rustic, and very sweet straw bale house. I am dressed in casual yoga clothes. My body is well-oiled, coifed and completely cleaned-out with a Fleet enema I did earlier in the day. We both do this-- I call it our "anal etiquette."

As soon as my car drives up, Nigel greets me outside with a big smile. He is blond, beautiful, clean-shaven and right out of the shower. We are always thrilled to see each other. The anticipation of our union has been building, as it usually does, mainly through email exchanges. We haven't seen each other in a good six weeks. And as is traditional in our Sessions, I come bearing gifts of dinner (tonight it's a chicken fajita platter), a bottle of red wine and my large, autumn-colored tapestry bag filled with sex toys.

We hug, kiss lightly and get caught up on the latest news of our families, work and travels. He opens the wine, we smoke some pot and since we are both very hungry, we break out the food early. Soon after eating and relaxing we get down to business with some passionate kisses and big, broad muscular sexual gymnastics. I love grabbing his butt cheeks and pulling and tugging him apart. He immediately goes for my asshole, fingering me with gusto. I have to hand it to the guy, he wastes no time in getting to where he wants to be. Soon though, he says, "Get your equipment out, I really want you to fuck me." Of course I immediately comply. At this point, I'm besides myself with lust... the kama is building.

I go to the bathroom and make decisions on which dildos to use. I decide on Golden Boy (tan, with gold flecks-- my "belly dancer" cock) in my pussy and Goliath (big, purple, hearty, the "if I was a guy, this would be my cock" cock) as the main one to penetrate him with. I strategically situate my clitoral vibrator and carefully place the controls in the left hip strap of my leather harness. I keep my sweat pants on over my enormous protrusion for visual effect as I exit the bathroom.

He sees me and his eyes immediately light up, I grab his hand and place it on my dick. We wrestle to and then onto the bed as if we are in an ancient Greek Olympics sport. Fingers go in and out of every orifice we own. He whips out the two anal plugs I gifted him with on Session #19. He's been loving them. One is smaller, flesh colored, and the other is bigger and very black. He uses them in my pussy (later on), my ass, my mouth, and in his ass and mouth. He licks and sucks them-- as well as Goliath-- as if they were the most delicious ice cream cones in the world. If it's one thing I've associated with sex with Nigel, it's that all the normal rules of hygiene are broken. A toy, hand, finger, toe or mouth will go everywhere, anywhere, creating more bodily juice than I thought was humanly possible. My sweat, my saliva and the juices from my pussy and ass all pour out of me in abundance. We never use lube because we don't have to. I drink huge amounts of water the whole time to keep up with the outflow.

Finally it's time for me to fuck him. I go down on his ass, relishing the beautiful golden flecks of hair surrounding his pretty pink portal. I finger him-- one, two, three fingers, almost a whole hand-- as I milk his shapely, moderately-sized cock. I grab his legs and place them over my shoulders as I enter him from the front. He's so beautiful I gasp in disbelief. I feel so lucky to be having this experience. He moans with an exquisite cadence, soaking in all the pleasure he is receiving in his prostate. I fuck and fuck him and begin to think about all the joy he gives me and others as well. Although in real life he's not gay, I like to fantasize about him getting fucked by other men, especially athletic black guys who cum all over him in every which way... kama at its best.

I finally decide to turn him over and enter him from the back, the angle is better. I get a couple of pillows and put them under his hips. This is a technique I've learned from Will, who, by the way, is my biggest guy mentor on how to penetrate someone (beautifully ironic, yes!). I position Nigel just right, finagle Goliath so it stays in, and Nigel starts talking, "Oh fuck me, fuck me," he softly says, "You're the first one of the night and I want you right there." I practically go insane. The kama is over the top. I know he knows ('cause we've talked about it) that I love the idea of being the first one of the night to cum in a hot guy's ass. He knows this is a huge turn-on for me and he's giving it to me just like I love it! Flashes, Kodak images of hunky gorgeous gay men fucking him rolodex through my mind. I realize that I am about to cum and prolong the inevitable. Kama turns to prema as I gaze upon my wonderful lover and am filled with an awesome gratitude. My heart opens up and up as if I am flying and everything seems perfect, eternal and glorious. My orgasm feels like a mere by-product, a shadow, of the intensity of the Divine Love I feel at this moment for all life and the Universe. I ride the waves out, distilling every morsel of every pulse. I am at peace.

Nigel is also very happy. "That was really deep... felt great," he utters. I remove all my equipment--strap-on, dildos, vibrator-- and become a girl again. Once again, he wastes no time in going for what he wants. He pulls my head down on his cock and I just let my mouth relax. Both of our hands hold the base as he thrusts deeper and deeper. I let my throat soften like a sword swallower; I'm a dancer and yogi and pride myself on my muscular control and, in this case, ability to release. He's very hard by the time he pulls out of my mouth and begins to use a technique that I was first introduced to in Session #6, something I call "double dipping." It's an incredibly exhilarating practice in which he fucks my ass for only one thrust, and then my pussy for only one thrust and then he continues to alternate back and forth. The moans I make during it are right out of an Animal Channel show: high for the pussy and low for the ass. Talk about a great soundtrack!!!

After the double dipping the next part is somewhat fuzzy. All I know is that I keep getting pumped and filled-up with various and sundry things. I'm not sure whether it is a dildo, butt plug or cock in either one or both of my holes, I just know I'm dripping and screaming with delight. Finally, I sense his approaching orgasm. He grabs my hand and insists that I play with the rim of my ass and I can now feel a butt plug in there as well as his cock! I am amazed that I can be so wide-open and yet still be experiencing such pure pleasure. He commands me to dig my fingers in more deeply and I do so. Throttling me fiercely, he explodes and then joyously surrenders to ecstasy. Hot juice flows abundantly. He happily laps it up from my back and bottom, relishing every drop of the delicious nectar. We are both blissfully alive and living in the Land of Vrindavan-- Radha and Krishna, hopefully, are proud.

We lie in each other's arms for awhile and engage in an afterglow pillow talk before we fall asleep. I am very comfortable with sleeping with him. He's easy... no snoring or jostling. My dreams are a bit agitated, however, and as I awake to see the first light of sun squeak in through the curtains my heart begins to sink... because the time of separation has come. As is typical in our Sessions, when morning arrives Nigel, a workaholic, is all business and no play. In fact, he usually is fairly distant and cold. At first this used to shock me after having been so intimate with each other, but now I realize that for some reason he needs to be this way and for me to not take it personally. I accept it.

He leaves for work, I clean up and leave him a little thank you note. This separation is particularly challenging because I'm also feeling an emptiness of sorts. Once again I wonder if this will be our last Sahajiya encounter. The seeds of viraha are growing and I immediately begin to practice non-attachment.

I call Will on the drive back home and am comforted by his voice. I tell him some general info about my night. He's always so supportive and cheery about my endeavors. I feel so lucky to have a husband who understands me and loves the hell-out-of-me. He tells me he can't wait for me to get home and when I get there... well, that's the After Session #20 Session with Will. It's pretty sensational and deserves it's own blog post... till next time.


P.S. In case you are interested, I gleaned most of the concepts on the Sahajiya Religion from a book called THE PLACE OF THE HIDDEN MOON, Erotic Mysticism in the Vaisnava-Sahajiya Cult of Bengal, by Edward C. Dimock, Jr.