I know it's been awhile since last I wrote, but the mundane-- yet important-- obligations of life have consumed my time recently. So now that my taxes, continuing education requirements, course curriculums and parenting paperwork have been completed, I can concentrate on telling you about Session #20.
But first, here's a little background info on my Sessions with Nigel and some more Sahajiya East Indian philosophy. I will get to the sex soon, I promise!
Session #20 happened in early February of this year about six weeks following Session #19. Before Session #19, Nigel and I had not been together sexually for over a year. With the exception of the first few months of our relationship, that's pretty much how it’s been for the past five-and-a-half years... on again, off again. The general scenario is that Nigel is single, dating and whenever he hasn't been with anyone in awhile we get together. Usually after about two of our reunion Sessions, he starts dating again and gets into a semi-serious relationship for a couple of months. We don’t start back up till its over.
This cycle has happened at least a dozen times. At first it was very hard on me because I would get incredibly jealous of these other women, but now I realize that it was-- and still is-- an opportunity for me to grow spiritually. An important part of the Sahajiya relationship is that it involves non-attachment and separation. There can be no possession of each other in the conventional sense. For the experience to be pure, the quality of letting go must always be there. Each Sahajiya encounter must be approached as if it might be the last.
A second important part of the Sahajiya relationship is that it also cultivates the feeling of a deep longing, called "viraha." The greater the viraha, the greater the experience of self-knowledge and Divine Love. It's like, "The more you want something, the sweeter it is when you get it" idea. The longing deepens the experience. The spiritual challenge, for me, is in balancing the viraha, the longing, with the letting go... a divine paradox for sure. If I clutch and hold on tight, I lose it. If I trust and let go, it comes back. The practice is to stay blissfully unattached; easier said than done, but I have made progress.
Finally, the third important part of the Sahajiya relationship is the conversion of "kama," carnal attraction and desire, to "prema," true love as exhibited by Krishna and Radha, the role model relationship. In a Sahajiya union, a strong kama is necessary, at least at first-- so kama is actually a very good thing. But unless kama-- the desire to satisfy only the senses-- is transformed into prema-- a selfless Divine Love-- the path will not lead to ultimate joy. In fact, rather, the path leads to misery and discontent as one can get caught up in the egotistical and vain limitations of a non-spiritual sexual release and the baser human emotions that go along with it (like my insane jealousies!). Kama is the road, prema is the destination and when you have arrived duality ceases and a Blissful Oneness is experienced. Great!!! But once again, easier said than done. I have made lots of progress, however, here as well. Through this Sahajiya relationship my heart has grown fuller with love and gratitude... especially, and unexpectedly, for my husband Will.
I hope you have found all of this obscure East Indian philosophy interesting. It is necessary for me to talk about it because it gives you a basis as to the nature of my sexual relationship with Nigel.
And so, here it is, Session #20, hang on....
I arrive on a Monday night around 7:30PM as planned. I come straight from an advanced yoga class and am feeling vital and alive. It takes about an hour to get there since Nigel lives out in the country, outside of Austin in the San Marcos area. (I have a full description of his place in my up-coming memoir THE NIGEL SESSIONS, so I won't go into great detail of it here). He lives on land that he loves and where he has built a small, rustic, and very sweet straw bale house. I am dressed in casual yoga clothes. My body is well-oiled, coifed and completely cleaned-out with a Fleet enema I did earlier in the day. We both do this-- I call it our "anal etiquette."
As soon as my car drives up, Nigel greets me outside with a big smile. He is blond, beautiful, clean-shaven and right out of the shower. We are always thrilled to see each other. The anticipation of our union has been building, as it usually does, mainly through email exchanges. We haven't seen each other in a good six weeks. And as is traditional in our Sessions, I come bearing gifts of dinner (tonight it's a chicken fajita platter), a bottle of red wine and my large, autumn-colored tapestry bag filled with sex toys.
We hug, kiss lightly and get caught up on the latest news of our families, work and travels. He opens the wine, we smoke some pot and since we are both very hungry, we break out the food early. Soon after eating and relaxing we get down to business with some passionate kisses and big, broad muscular sexual gymnastics. I love grabbing his butt cheeks and pulling and tugging him apart. He immediately goes for my asshole, fingering me with gusto. I have to hand it to the guy, he wastes no time in getting to where he wants to be. Soon though, he says, "Get your equipment out, I really want you to fuck me." Of course I immediately comply. At this point, I'm besides myself with lust... the kama is building.
I go to the bathroom and make decisions on which dildos to use. I decide on Golden Boy (tan, with gold flecks-- my "belly dancer" cock) in my pussy and Goliath (big, purple, hearty, the "if I was a guy, this would be my cock" cock) as the main one to penetrate him with. I strategically situate my clitoral vibrator and carefully place the controls in the left hip strap of my leather harness. I keep my sweat pants on over my enormous protrusion for visual effect as I exit the bathroom.
He sees me and his eyes immediately light up, I grab his hand and place it on my dick. We wrestle to and then onto the bed as if we are in an ancient Greek Olympics sport. Fingers go in and out of every orifice we own. He whips out the two anal plugs I gifted him with on Session #19. He's been loving them. One is smaller, flesh colored, and the other is bigger and very black. He uses them in my pussy (later on), my ass, my mouth, and in his ass and mouth. He licks and sucks them-- as well as Goliath-- as if they were the most delicious ice cream cones in the world. If it's one thing I've associated with sex with Nigel, it's that all the normal rules of hygiene are broken. A toy, hand, finger, toe or mouth will go everywhere, anywhere, creating more bodily juice than I thought was humanly possible. My sweat, my saliva and the juices from my pussy and ass all pour out of me in abundance. We never use lube because we don't have to. I drink huge amounts of water the whole time to keep up with the outflow.
Finally it's time for me to fuck him. I go down on his ass, relishing the beautiful golden flecks of hair surrounding his pretty pink portal. I finger him-- one, two, three fingers, almost a whole hand-- as I milk his shapely, moderately-sized cock. I grab his legs and place them over my shoulders as I enter him from the front. He's so beautiful I gasp in disbelief. I feel so lucky to be having this experience. He moans with an exquisite cadence, soaking in all the pleasure he is receiving in his prostate. I fuck and fuck him and begin to think about all the joy he gives me and others as well. Although in real life he's not gay, I like to fantasize about him getting fucked by other men, especially athletic black guys who cum all over him in every which way... kama at its best.
I finally decide to turn him over and enter him from the back, the angle is better. I get a couple of pillows and put them under his hips. This is a technique I've learned from Will, who, by the way, is my biggest guy mentor on how to penetrate someone (beautifully ironic, yes!). I position Nigel just right, finagle Goliath so it stays in, and Nigel starts talking, "Oh fuck me, fuck me," he softly says, "You're the first one of the night and I want you right there." I practically go insane. The kama is over the top. I know he knows ('cause we've talked about it) that I love the idea of being the first one of the night to cum in a hot guy's ass. He knows this is a huge turn-on for me and he's giving it to me just like I love it! Flashes, Kodak images of hunky gorgeous gay men fucking him rolodex through my mind. I realize that I am about to cum and prolong the inevitable. Kama turns to prema as I gaze upon my wonderful lover and am filled with an awesome gratitude. My heart opens up and up as if I am flying and everything seems perfect, eternal and glorious. My orgasm feels like a mere by-product, a shadow, of the intensity of the Divine Love I feel at this moment for all life and the Universe. I ride the waves out, distilling every morsel of every pulse. I am at peace.
Nigel is also very happy. "That was really deep... felt great," he utters. I remove all my equipment--strap-on, dildos, vibrator-- and become a girl again. Once again, he wastes no time in going for what he wants. He pulls my head down on his cock and I just let my mouth relax. Both of our hands hold the base as he thrusts deeper and deeper. I let my throat soften like a sword swallower; I'm a dancer and yogi and pride myself on my muscular control and, in this case, ability to release. He's very hard by the time he pulls out of my mouth and begins to use a technique that I was first introduced to in Session #6, something I call "double dipping." It's an incredibly exhilarating practice in which he fucks my ass for only one thrust, and then my pussy for only one thrust and then he continues to alternate back and forth. The moans I make during it are right out of an Animal Channel show: high for the pussy and low for the ass. Talk about a great soundtrack!!!
After the double dipping the next part is somewhat fuzzy. All I know is that I keep getting pumped and filled-up with various and sundry things. I'm not sure whether it is a dildo, butt plug or cock in either one or both of my holes, I just know I'm dripping and screaming with delight. Finally, I sense his approaching orgasm. He grabs my hand and insists that I play with the rim of my ass and I can now feel a butt plug in there as well as his cock! I am amazed that I can be so wide-open and yet still be experiencing such pure pleasure. He commands me to dig my fingers in more deeply and I do so. Throttling me fiercely, he explodes and then joyously surrenders to ecstasy. Hot juice flows abundantly. He happily laps it up from my back and bottom, relishing every drop of the delicious nectar. We are both blissfully alive and living in the Land of Vrindavan-- Radha and Krishna, hopefully, are proud.
We lie in each other's arms for awhile and engage in an afterglow pillow talk before we fall asleep. I am very comfortable with sleeping with him. He's easy... no snoring or jostling. My dreams are a bit agitated, however, and as I awake to see the first light of sun squeak in through the curtains my heart begins to sink... because the time of separation has come. As is typical in our Sessions, when morning arrives Nigel, a workaholic, is all business and no play. In fact, he usually is fairly distant and cold. At first this used to shock me after having been so intimate with each other, but now I realize that for some reason he needs to be this way and for me to not take it personally. I accept it.
He leaves for work, I clean up and leave him a little thank you note. This separation is particularly challenging because I'm also feeling an emptiness of sorts. Once again I wonder if this will be our last Sahajiya encounter. The seeds of viraha are growing and I immediately begin to practice non-attachment.
I call Will on the drive back home and am comforted by his voice. I tell him some general info about my night. He's always so supportive and cheery about my endeavors. I feel so lucky to have a husband who understands me and loves the hell-out-of-me. He tells me he can't wait for me to get home and when I get there... well, that's the After Session #20 Session with Will. It's pretty sensational and deserves it's own blog post... till next time.
Sophia
P.S. In case you are interested, I gleaned most of the concepts on the Sahajiya Religion from a book called THE PLACE OF THE HIDDEN MOON, Erotic Mysticism in the Vaisnava-Sahajiya Cult of Bengal, by Edward C. Dimock, Jr.
http://www.amazon.com/s/?i.e.=UTF8&keywords=place+of+the+hidden+moon&tag=googhydr-20&index=strip-books&headed=3771313347&ref=pd_sly_6t9ea9aisx_b
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Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
My Sahajiya Lover
By now it must be apparent to you that I don't live a conventional life. I'm not purposely trying to live outside the mainstream, I'm only trying to be authentic and true to myself. For the past several years, a series of self-awakenings have led me to make certain choices which have led me down this particular path of eroticism. So I ask that you have an open mind and follow me on this journey of my Sahajiya Lover... it's a path of the juicy and the divine.
Let me begin by explaining what I have come to know about the Sahajiya religious cult. First of all, it is a philosophy that came into popularity in the Bengal region of India in the 16th century. It has roots in both Buddhism and Hinduism and is very tantric by nature; in this respect, it still exists today. It's followers believe that every object has an internal and external form and that the "sahaja," or internal form, is eternal and is an expression of Divine Love. They believed that the simplest and most direct way to experience the eternal is through bodily love.
The story of the romance between the Hindu God Krishna and his consort Radha is central to the Sahajiya philosophy. It is an intense, romantic and unconventional love that exists between a man and a woman who are bound together by the ideal of love for love’s sake. Never is Radha depicted as Krishna's wife. She is always another cowherd's wife or Krishna's favorite fuck-able milk-maiden. Hence, followers of the Sahajiya philosophy believe that sex between partners who are specifically NOT married to each other is the spiritual path towards experiencing exalted Divine Love.
But what about marriage, you may ask? In Sahajiya thought, marriage is not considered the highest ideal of love in so far as the intensity of emotion is concerned. Long association and acquaintance tend to kill the strange mystery of the "other" which is essential to creating a blissful, transcendent experience. With marriage, social convention and a legal binding take away much of the extreme passion. In a sense marriage, by its very nature, is mundane. Therefore the highest ideal of human love-- called "parakiya" love according to Sahajiya philosophy-- is the love that exists most privately between couples who are absolutely free in their love from any consideration of loss and gain, who defy society and transgress the law and make love the be-all and end-all of life. In this school of thinking, the most erotic, blissful, out-of-the-ordinary sexual love is always cultivated in a relationship apart from marriage.
Herein lies the story of Nigel and myself. I like to think of Nigel as my Sahajiya Lover. (I have no idea of what Nigel thinks about all of these ideas, this is totally my take on our relationship!) In my first post I briefly explained how important Nigel has been to me. He's not my husband and I have none of the normal marital ties with him. We have no children together, no mortgage, bills, legal or social responsibilities to each other. Our communication in between sessions is very limited. However, when I go see Nigel at his remote place in the country our purpose together is clear: we are with each other to explore the highest realm of eroticism. It's not just the gender-bending and the special way I get to fuck Nigel, it's also about the way that I've had my energy blasted wide open when we have been together. I have to say that I've attained states of consciousness with him that seem-- upon reflection-- other-worldly to me. During our sessions, it's like I have gone to the supra-natural blissful land of Vrindavan, where Krishna and Radha exist.
The Sahajiya emphasize the importance of the body and believe that it "embodies" the Universe. I think the main reason that Nigel is so special to me is the way that he is connected to his ass and the way that he has connected me to mine. From him I have learned that the ass is a wonderful thing. Before being with him, the ass meant something shameful, dirty, bad to me... you know, the asshole of the body... stinky, smelly and best not-thought-about. To say the least, I was disconnected from mine. Nigel, through our sessions together, has shown me how our asses can be squeaky clean, open, exhilarating and totally pleasurable! It is self-knowledge to the extreme. Somehow going in deep, opened me up to myself and to a greater reality. I feel so empowered knowing I can fuck with my ass and also fuck another's. I feel reunited with a part of myself that was previously cut-off and maligned. After a session with Nigel I feel connected to myself, to him and to the Universe... and yes, I feel ETERNAL. Well, I guess you can call me a big ANAL ADVOCATE and that my path to enlightenment has been through a dark tunnel.
So what exactly is a session with Nigel like? You can read about it in my up-and-coming memoir THE NIGEL SESSIONS ... UNLEASHING SACRED DESIRE. I cover our first 10 sessions together and the whole roller coaster ride of emotions that went with them. It's due out this summer. Or, you can keep reading this blog because my next post will talk about the latest session, #20 to be exact, that happened last week. It was a wild one!
Let me begin by explaining what I have come to know about the Sahajiya religious cult. First of all, it is a philosophy that came into popularity in the Bengal region of India in the 16th century. It has roots in both Buddhism and Hinduism and is very tantric by nature; in this respect, it still exists today. It's followers believe that every object has an internal and external form and that the "sahaja," or internal form, is eternal and is an expression of Divine Love. They believed that the simplest and most direct way to experience the eternal is through bodily love.
The story of the romance between the Hindu God Krishna and his consort Radha is central to the Sahajiya philosophy. It is an intense, romantic and unconventional love that exists between a man and a woman who are bound together by the ideal of love for love’s sake. Never is Radha depicted as Krishna's wife. She is always another cowherd's wife or Krishna's favorite fuck-able milk-maiden. Hence, followers of the Sahajiya philosophy believe that sex between partners who are specifically NOT married to each other is the spiritual path towards experiencing exalted Divine Love.
But what about marriage, you may ask? In Sahajiya thought, marriage is not considered the highest ideal of love in so far as the intensity of emotion is concerned. Long association and acquaintance tend to kill the strange mystery of the "other" which is essential to creating a blissful, transcendent experience. With marriage, social convention and a legal binding take away much of the extreme passion. In a sense marriage, by its very nature, is mundane. Therefore the highest ideal of human love-- called "parakiya" love according to Sahajiya philosophy-- is the love that exists most privately between couples who are absolutely free in their love from any consideration of loss and gain, who defy society and transgress the law and make love the be-all and end-all of life. In this school of thinking, the most erotic, blissful, out-of-the-ordinary sexual love is always cultivated in a relationship apart from marriage.
Herein lies the story of Nigel and myself. I like to think of Nigel as my Sahajiya Lover. (I have no idea of what Nigel thinks about all of these ideas, this is totally my take on our relationship!) In my first post I briefly explained how important Nigel has been to me. He's not my husband and I have none of the normal marital ties with him. We have no children together, no mortgage, bills, legal or social responsibilities to each other. Our communication in between sessions is very limited. However, when I go see Nigel at his remote place in the country our purpose together is clear: we are with each other to explore the highest realm of eroticism. It's not just the gender-bending and the special way I get to fuck Nigel, it's also about the way that I've had my energy blasted wide open when we have been together. I have to say that I've attained states of consciousness with him that seem-- upon reflection-- other-worldly to me. During our sessions, it's like I have gone to the supra-natural blissful land of Vrindavan, where Krishna and Radha exist.
The Sahajiya emphasize the importance of the body and believe that it "embodies" the Universe. I think the main reason that Nigel is so special to me is the way that he is connected to his ass and the way that he has connected me to mine. From him I have learned that the ass is a wonderful thing. Before being with him, the ass meant something shameful, dirty, bad to me... you know, the asshole of the body... stinky, smelly and best not-thought-about. To say the least, I was disconnected from mine. Nigel, through our sessions together, has shown me how our asses can be squeaky clean, open, exhilarating and totally pleasurable! It is self-knowledge to the extreme. Somehow going in deep, opened me up to myself and to a greater reality. I feel so empowered knowing I can fuck with my ass and also fuck another's. I feel reunited with a part of myself that was previously cut-off and maligned. After a session with Nigel I feel connected to myself, to him and to the Universe... and yes, I feel ETERNAL. Well, I guess you can call me a big ANAL ADVOCATE and that my path to enlightenment has been through a dark tunnel.
So what exactly is a session with Nigel like? You can read about it in my up-and-coming memoir THE NIGEL SESSIONS ... UNLEASHING SACRED DESIRE. I cover our first 10 sessions together and the whole roller coaster ride of emotions that went with them. It's due out this summer. Or, you can keep reading this blog because my next post will talk about the latest session, #20 to be exact, that happened last week. It was a wild one!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Belly Dance... my Religion and the Ultimate Drag Act
Let me just say from the start that I love belly dance. It is a deep part of who I am. Growing up Greek in New Jersey I saw a lot of belly dancers at our big events such as regional tri-state gatherings, christenings and weddings. There would be a Greek band leader announcing to the crowd, "The Belly Dancer is coming... The Belly Dancer is coming!" and out would appear this gorgeous, bombshell Goddess of a woman all bedecked and bejeweled. We, the kids, would be sitting on the floor in front of the front row and we were mesmerized and in love with her. She would swirl, twirl, shake and shimmy and above all, she was a glorious mystery. In a patriarchal world where the most powerful and revered woman was The Virgin Mary-- all sad and totally unsexy-- The Belly Dancer was a beautiful, refreshing and far more satisfying Goddess to believe in. Little did I know that I, the smart girl in school who was supposed to be a lawyer, doctor or psychologist, would turn out to be, amongst other things, a college belly dance teacher. I give grades for belly dance!
My career in the dance began way back in 1975 when I was in college. I was a drama major studying at the University of North Wales for my junior year and I was asked to play a dancing Bedouin princess in Henrik Ibsen's play Peer Gynt. With no real belly dancers around to teach me, I bluffed my way through the performance by using my early memories of dancers. It was very exciting and everyone said I was a natural. The whole experience piqued my curiosity and so after returning to America for my senior year in Lancaster, PA., I started taking classes from a Lebanese woman who lived in town. After college-- armed with my drama degree and lots of waitressing experience-- I moved to Los Angeles and studied some more. It was then that I realized that belly dance wasn't just a passing fancy. I was hooked. Long story short, belly dance has become a way of life for me and an important part of my spirituality.
Goddess energy is something I actively call into myself when I dance. "The Temple of the Beautiful Dancer and Holy Drummer" is what I like to say at our monthly coffee house gigs. I even pass the tar (hand drum) around for people to donate. I tell them if they give $5 they're exonerated from a little sin. If they give a $20 they get off on a few more and $100 means forgiveness for a whole week! Only in this religion, instead of being preached at and being told that you are a sinner, we offer hope and absolution through a pulsing, driving beat and redemption through sexy female compassion and love. Sometimes I even burst into a spontaneous prose or rhyming "little sermon" meant to inspire the crowd. I dance while speaking and cover subjects like "perseverance" or "the changing moon." The crowd walks away with something deep to think about and a renewed sense of hope for their lives. And we get some nice tip money! Along with the belly dance teacher, I guess you can say that I am also a career belly dancing priestess.
When I dance I am bigger than my everyday self and here in lies my Drag Act. First off the name, I am not "Sophia" but rather "Agape" (love) when I dance. Sophia doesn't style her hair or wear a full face of stage make-up, Agape does. Sophia has small, perky nubile breasts, Agape's breasts range from A's to D's depending on the costume. Sophia's work-clothes are cotton pants and exercise tops, Agape goes for very expensive silks, brocades and rhinestones. When I am Agape, I am big, big, bigger! I am an exaggerated female and given my complex sexuality with my fantasy penis and all, I really feel like I'm in drag. After seeing RuPaul's Drag Race show on the LOGOS channel, I have to say that I feel a simpatico with these hermaphroditic transvestites competing to be #1. On this show you also get to see these female impersonators talking as their regular, normal selves without make-up, etc and it's fascinating (they're all femmy, but definitely guys). Like myself, the double persona is always there for them. When I'm in all my belly dance gear with sparkles, boobs, painted lips, glamorous eyes and hair, I feel just like one of them and totally understand where they are coming from.
Belly dance for me is a wonderful expression of many facets of life, sexuality, spirituality, passion and connection. So the next time you hear, "The Belly Dancer is coming! The Belly Dancer is coming!" stand up and salute the living Goddess in the Flesh-- and if you look under her skirt, you may just find a lovely penis.
My career in the dance began way back in 1975 when I was in college. I was a drama major studying at the University of North Wales for my junior year and I was asked to play a dancing Bedouin princess in Henrik Ibsen's play Peer Gynt. With no real belly dancers around to teach me, I bluffed my way through the performance by using my early memories of dancers. It was very exciting and everyone said I was a natural. The whole experience piqued my curiosity and so after returning to America for my senior year in Lancaster, PA., I started taking classes from a Lebanese woman who lived in town. After college-- armed with my drama degree and lots of waitressing experience-- I moved to Los Angeles and studied some more. It was then that I realized that belly dance wasn't just a passing fancy. I was hooked. Long story short, belly dance has become a way of life for me and an important part of my spirituality.
Goddess energy is something I actively call into myself when I dance. "The Temple of the Beautiful Dancer and Holy Drummer" is what I like to say at our monthly coffee house gigs. I even pass the tar (hand drum) around for people to donate. I tell them if they give $5 they're exonerated from a little sin. If they give a $20 they get off on a few more and $100 means forgiveness for a whole week! Only in this religion, instead of being preached at and being told that you are a sinner, we offer hope and absolution through a pulsing, driving beat and redemption through sexy female compassion and love. Sometimes I even burst into a spontaneous prose or rhyming "little sermon" meant to inspire the crowd. I dance while speaking and cover subjects like "perseverance" or "the changing moon." The crowd walks away with something deep to think about and a renewed sense of hope for their lives. And we get some nice tip money! Along with the belly dance teacher, I guess you can say that I am also a career belly dancing priestess.
When I dance I am bigger than my everyday self and here in lies my Drag Act. First off the name, I am not "Sophia" but rather "Agape" (love) when I dance. Sophia doesn't style her hair or wear a full face of stage make-up, Agape does. Sophia has small, perky nubile breasts, Agape's breasts range from A's to D's depending on the costume. Sophia's work-clothes are cotton pants and exercise tops, Agape goes for very expensive silks, brocades and rhinestones. When I am Agape, I am big, big, bigger! I am an exaggerated female and given my complex sexuality with my fantasy penis and all, I really feel like I'm in drag. After seeing RuPaul's Drag Race show on the LOGOS channel, I have to say that I feel a simpatico with these hermaphroditic transvestites competing to be #1. On this show you also get to see these female impersonators talking as their regular, normal selves without make-up, etc and it's fascinating (they're all femmy, but definitely guys). Like myself, the double persona is always there for them. When I'm in all my belly dance gear with sparkles, boobs, painted lips, glamorous eyes and hair, I feel just like one of them and totally understand where they are coming from.
Belly dance for me is a wonderful expression of many facets of life, sexuality, spirituality, passion and connection. So the next time you hear, "The Belly Dancer is coming! The Belly Dancer is coming!" stand up and salute the living Goddess in the Flesh-- and if you look under her skirt, you may just find a lovely penis.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The Wonderful, Wacky, Weirdo World of Autism...Trip to Detachment
I had a dream for my life. I wanted to be a healer, vital artist and force for good in the world. I also wanted to be married with a family. To a large extent I have successfully achieved this vision, but like so many things in life, I also got a lot more than I bargained for. Specifically, I got a son, now 18, who has a full-blown case of autism. His name is Peter.
I hate it when people say, "God must have known you could handle it, that's why He gave you an autistic child." Please, don't say that to anyone. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE TO HAVE AN AUTISTIC CHILD!!! However I must agree, if learning to be more patient, more compassionate and more DETACHED from prescribed expectations is something my cosmic soul had to get in this lifetime, then a child with autism was a brilliant gift. It has forced me to be way nicer than I was ever meant to be.
Life with an autistic person is akin to living with someone on acid 24/7. For them, everything is shifted to the left, right, center, up, down, nowhere, everywhere and the usual common agreed upon reality that we all trust to BE reality has no foundation, wall or roof. Just when we think we have a grip on his condition, Peter will manifest some new behavior ranging from wonderful to terrible to funny to downright heartbreaking. Parenting him is a trip that never ceases to amaze me.
Now I'm not talking high-functioning Asperger's Syndrome here, I'm talking the kind of autism where everything is going great and out-of-the-blue your adult-sized child shrieks like a banshee and violently smacks himself in the head as hard as he can with both hands; SIBS, or Self Injurious Behaviors, is what they are called. "Shriek! Crack! Crack! Shriek! Crack! Crack!" It's horrible. We feel like we are living in a mine field never knowing when a bomb will go off. Frustrated, we are still in the process of trying to figure out where this latest round of freakiness is coming from. It's pretty new, just manifesting this Fall.
Could it be the effects of puberty and testosterone? Or maybe it's sub-clinical seizures, the kind that happen quietly without the convulsions. Or it could be another disorder that's coupled with the autism, like Tourette's or Bipolar syndrome, because that scenario does happen with some frequency and there's Bipolar in my family. Or is it Exposure Anxiety? ...a chronic fight-or-flight response brought on by changes in the environment. And which neurotransmitter is out of balance? Is it norepinephrine, serotonin or dopamine? I feel like we are always guessing and the experts don't know much more and offer little guidance. Our son Peter is an ongoing experiment and the last thing my husband and I want to do is to cause more problems with ineffectual therapies and medications. I'll never forget several years ago when we gave him a dose of secretin, a pig hormone that was being lauded as the latest and greatest cure for autism. Several hours after the injection he had an obvious seizure (never happened before) and he was noticeably depressed and upset for six weeks. My desperation for a cure scared the hell out of me.
The Universe is a funny thing, however, and there is some light. As despondent as our situation with Peter seems to be, one evening on You-Tube set me straight. I viewed video clips of very severe, completely non-verbal autistic teenagers being tied down to chairs, wearing helmets and protective gloves to prevent them from inflicting permanent injuries on themselves. "Oh my God," I thought, "that's really bad." Everything was put in perspective. At least Peter is loving and can speak (short sentences). And when he's not having a SIBS attack he's got lots of skills- always helping with the grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning and food preparation. (His salads are awesome!) So for now, my Buddhist sense of detachment has kicked in and I am, for the most part, able to keep from freaking-out. I can stand back and observe our situation with intelligent compassion. It helps to have a strong, sturdy mate to lean on. I really depend on my husband Will's indomitable spirit.
I don't know what straight, rigid, right-wing religious families do with their autistic children who break all the rules of life. For myself, I am thankful for all those hits of acid I did in college that opened my mind up to viewing reality from a different angle. Little did I know that the hand of Destiny was preparing me for my future and the trip of my life.
I hate it when people say, "God must have known you could handle it, that's why He gave you an autistic child." Please, don't say that to anyone. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE TO HAVE AN AUTISTIC CHILD!!! However I must agree, if learning to be more patient, more compassionate and more DETACHED from prescribed expectations is something my cosmic soul had to get in this lifetime, then a child with autism was a brilliant gift. It has forced me to be way nicer than I was ever meant to be.
Life with an autistic person is akin to living with someone on acid 24/7. For them, everything is shifted to the left, right, center, up, down, nowhere, everywhere and the usual common agreed upon reality that we all trust to BE reality has no foundation, wall or roof. Just when we think we have a grip on his condition, Peter will manifest some new behavior ranging from wonderful to terrible to funny to downright heartbreaking. Parenting him is a trip that never ceases to amaze me.
Now I'm not talking high-functioning Asperger's Syndrome here, I'm talking the kind of autism where everything is going great and out-of-the-blue your adult-sized child shrieks like a banshee and violently smacks himself in the head as hard as he can with both hands; SIBS, or Self Injurious Behaviors, is what they are called. "Shriek! Crack! Crack! Shriek! Crack! Crack!" It's horrible. We feel like we are living in a mine field never knowing when a bomb will go off. Frustrated, we are still in the process of trying to figure out where this latest round of freakiness is coming from. It's pretty new, just manifesting this Fall.
Could it be the effects of puberty and testosterone? Or maybe it's sub-clinical seizures, the kind that happen quietly without the convulsions. Or it could be another disorder that's coupled with the autism, like Tourette's or Bipolar syndrome, because that scenario does happen with some frequency and there's Bipolar in my family. Or is it Exposure Anxiety? ...a chronic fight-or-flight response brought on by changes in the environment. And which neurotransmitter is out of balance? Is it norepinephrine, serotonin or dopamine? I feel like we are always guessing and the experts don't know much more and offer little guidance. Our son Peter is an ongoing experiment and the last thing my husband and I want to do is to cause more problems with ineffectual therapies and medications. I'll never forget several years ago when we gave him a dose of secretin, a pig hormone that was being lauded as the latest and greatest cure for autism. Several hours after the injection he had an obvious seizure (never happened before) and he was noticeably depressed and upset for six weeks. My desperation for a cure scared the hell out of me.
The Universe is a funny thing, however, and there is some light. As despondent as our situation with Peter seems to be, one evening on You-Tube set me straight. I viewed video clips of very severe, completely non-verbal autistic teenagers being tied down to chairs, wearing helmets and protective gloves to prevent them from inflicting permanent injuries on themselves. "Oh my God," I thought, "that's really bad." Everything was put in perspective. At least Peter is loving and can speak (short sentences). And when he's not having a SIBS attack he's got lots of skills- always helping with the grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning and food preparation. (His salads are awesome!) So for now, my Buddhist sense of detachment has kicked in and I am, for the most part, able to keep from freaking-out. I can stand back and observe our situation with intelligent compassion. It helps to have a strong, sturdy mate to lean on. I really depend on my husband Will's indomitable spirit.
I don't know what straight, rigid, right-wing religious families do with their autistic children who break all the rules of life. For myself, I am thankful for all those hits of acid I did in college that opened my mind up to viewing reality from a different angle. Little did I know that the hand of Destiny was preparing me for my future and the trip of my life.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Bring on the light!
I am, amongst many things, a writer who is compelled to tell the truth. I intend this blog to bring light to those who are seekers of experiencing life directly and feeling it fully. Everything I say here will be true with the exception that I am using a pen name so as not to upset or piss-off my family and friends; I have changed their names as well. I will discuss many things in ILLUMINATING THE DARK, but the top three are sexuality, autism and belly dance. I will also, at times, delve into the subjects of yoga, wicca, bipolar disorder, aging, family, staying healthy and whatever the hell else comes to mind.
For this first post, let's start with sexuality. And let's start with mine. For the longest time I thought that I was really weird. I have always liked being a woman and love to fuck using straight conventional sex. Mysteriously though, I found having orgasms this way impossible unless I fantasized that I was a homosexual man. For many years, the height of my sexual ecstasy was when I imagined my husband's penis was my virtual penis and I was squirting virtual cum in a beautiful blond gay guy's virtual ass. But the cum I actually had was not virtual, it was real, always real. I eventually became addicted to these type fantasies because I knew they could flip whatever the switch in my brain was that released my orgasms. To this day, the homosexual man who lives inside me rules when it comes to my cums.
So, for twenty-eight years I lived with this secret about myself, save for my husband Will and a couple of close friends. Finally, after years of self-exploration and empowerment at wicca retreats (nature-based spiritual camps), I came to terms with myself about my sexuality. Call it synchronicity, call it serendipity, but shortly thereafter the Good Goddess made manifest to me the beautiful blond man of my dreams in real life... and his name was Nigel. So, at the ripe age of 50-years-old I began a wild, fantastic and "completely condoned by my husband" affair in which I pumped, prodded, poked and penetrated Nigel with an assortment of gorgeous strap-ons. I was surprised to find that I was actually a "switch," someone who likes both ends of things, so I was pumped, prodded, poked and penetrated by Nigel in return. Our lovemaking was the most egalitarian sex I have ever experienced with the lines between male and female, dominant and submissive, giver and receiver constantly and fluidly shifting. The affair was such an exhilarating turning point in my life, that I penned a full-length memoir documenting the whole thing. It's called "THE NIGEL SESSIONS... Unleashing Sacred Desire." I plan on publishing it Spring 2010 and will be posting excerpts from it on this blog from time-to-time.
More on all of this later... enough for the first post. My moment has arrived. I have finally lifted my lantern and am beginning my journey through the Infinite Internet. Follow if you will. My sincere intention is that my light shine on truth and that the truth be in the highest good for all.
For this first post, let's start with sexuality. And let's start with mine. For the longest time I thought that I was really weird. I have always liked being a woman and love to fuck using straight conventional sex. Mysteriously though, I found having orgasms this way impossible unless I fantasized that I was a homosexual man. For many years, the height of my sexual ecstasy was when I imagined my husband's penis was my virtual penis and I was squirting virtual cum in a beautiful blond gay guy's virtual ass. But the cum I actually had was not virtual, it was real, always real. I eventually became addicted to these type fantasies because I knew they could flip whatever the switch in my brain was that released my orgasms. To this day, the homosexual man who lives inside me rules when it comes to my cums.
So, for twenty-eight years I lived with this secret about myself, save for my husband Will and a couple of close friends. Finally, after years of self-exploration and empowerment at wicca retreats (nature-based spiritual camps), I came to terms with myself about my sexuality. Call it synchronicity, call it serendipity, but shortly thereafter the Good Goddess made manifest to me the beautiful blond man of my dreams in real life... and his name was Nigel. So, at the ripe age of 50-years-old I began a wild, fantastic and "completely condoned by my husband" affair in which I pumped, prodded, poked and penetrated Nigel with an assortment of gorgeous strap-ons. I was surprised to find that I was actually a "switch," someone who likes both ends of things, so I was pumped, prodded, poked and penetrated by Nigel in return. Our lovemaking was the most egalitarian sex I have ever experienced with the lines between male and female, dominant and submissive, giver and receiver constantly and fluidly shifting. The affair was such an exhilarating turning point in my life, that I penned a full-length memoir documenting the whole thing. It's called "THE NIGEL SESSIONS... Unleashing Sacred Desire." I plan on publishing it Spring 2010 and will be posting excerpts from it on this blog from time-to-time.
More on all of this later... enough for the first post. My moment has arrived. I have finally lifted my lantern and am beginning my journey through the Infinite Internet. Follow if you will. My sincere intention is that my light shine on truth and that the truth be in the highest good for all.
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