Bound by Love

(Attention Readers: this is a continuation of the last post. So, if you haven't already, I suggest that you first read the last couple of blog entries for some background info on East Indian Sahajiya love relationships.)

Ah yes... the After Session #20 Session with Will. This experience is way different and yet just as sexy as the one with Nigel. I'll get into some delectable details in a moment, but first some words about my marriage.

My husband Will is my partner in art and life. If being with Nigel is dreamy, other-worldly and surreal, then being with Will is concrete, deeply nourishing and very fucking real. We share a house, chores, two children, a bank account, orgasms, coffee, opinions, emotions, dance shows, birthdays and projects of all kinds. He is my best friend and worst foe. We've been on this karmic roller coaster journey with each other for over thirty years now, so I guess you could call him my first-- and only-- mate. I love Will... even when we are not speaking to each other.

The Sahajiyas designed a religion that has at its core the pursuit and exaltation of an open love affair with someone other than one's spouse. Our culture generally does not condone such things--in fact, it's one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Someone fucks someone else and the entire shebang falls apart. How absurd!!! Think about it, the whole life that a couple has built for themselves goes to hell because intimacy was shared with another. Ridiculous! I believe that it is the LIES that kill the marriage. No one wants to feel like they have been "whamboozled," the pain cuts too deep and it destroys. Just think about all those celebrity affairs in the news these days. Pathetic.

Honesty is an absolute must if an outside Sahajiya relationship is to be developed. Only then can one reap the rewards of desire for the unfamiliar fulfilled-- of Divine Love expressed for its own sake alone, without the entanglements of marriage. In this regard, I have been fortunate enough to be married to a man who has always been open-minded and with whom I can be brutally honest.

I knew from the start of our courtship that Will was a person who was very savvy when it came to sexuality and matters of the heart. During this time, we both dated other people. Will never got jealous (it was a lot harder for me!). In fact, I had another boyfriend until just a couple of weeks before our marriage. Will was fine with allowing me to keep the boyfriend even after our marriage, but before that could happen the boyfriend broke up with me (at Trudy's Mexican restaurant no less, after enumerating all of my character flaws!) I came home and cried and it was Will who comforted me by saying, "Don't worry Sophia, I love you and we ARE getting married soon!" That's how liberal thinking he was and still is. Now, this doesn't mean that Will is a wimpy pushover-- far from the truth. Will always demands that he be given "his due." I can do what I want as long as he never feels short-changed.

I am greatly appreciative and it is in this spirit that I make the drive home from Nigel's land after Session #20. I'm feeling happy and energized from my exhilarating evening, but that nagging emptiness-- that murky void-- that began when I woke up has now become golf-sized in the center of my belly. I'm not worried because I know that Will is the man to fill it up-- he knows all about energy and how to wield it. He's my King of Wands.

When I walk in the door, I can smell the delicious coffee that Will has just made. We share a lot of caffeine brew together-- a personal ritual between us. He hands me my cup and I take a sip. As soon as I lower the cup down to the counter he immediately grabs my wrists, presses them together behind my back and passionately kisses me. Sometimes when Will kisses me this intensely-- and I'm not ready for it-- I will resist. It can feel too much like an invasion and can even trigger anger in me... but not today. Today I am full of gratitude and love. My mouth, tongue and throat surrender completely. Our kisses are full of depth and commitment. I find myself sucking in his breath. I am aware of the prana-- the yogic breath life force-- that is being generated between us. With each gulp I feel myself inflating, settling down, centering... I am home.

We drink and chat. He talks about his fiasco during the morning with the teens-- how Peter was worried about me and wouldn't go to school until he heard my voice on the answering machine and how Melissa was pissed-off when he truthfully told her where I was in answer to her inquiry as to my whereabouts the night before. I realize it's not easy on these kids. I look forward to doing damage control in the form of some good one-on-one time spent with each of them. I then go on to tell Will all about my evening. I especially expound upon the highlights of my beautiful orgasmic experience. Sparing no details, I dramatize the events and establish the story that I will eventually tell to several of my girlfriends who love getting first-hand accounts of my Nigel Sessions.

Will's just happy to have me back. He keeps referring to me as his "tart wife." I realize that this is a big turn-on for him and plays into why he's so good with the jealousy factor. He enjoys fucking me after I've been fucked by someone else all night! But there are other factors as well. Will actually likes Nigel and thinks that he is a good, hard-working guy. Will also appreciates Nigel because he sees how happy I am when I get to express myself in that special hermaphroditic way... and that happiness spreads into our marriage. Thank Goodness! I know that if I didn't have Will's approval, my Sahajiya relationship would simply not happen. It'd be too hard.

After our second cup, Will looks at me intensely with those hazel-brown eyes and says, "You know what I want... go get one." I say nothing and immediately run upstairs, rummage through our messy closet and pull out a 4-yard long bright yellow satin sash, a sometimes dancing prop of mine. It's only about 6 inches in width and it looks like a huge golden ribbon. I return. Will takes no time in pulling off all of my clothes. He swiftly and nimbly ties one end of the sash around my waist, secures it in the back and pulls the bulk of it down my sacrum and then up through my pussy lips. He then knots it in front to the belt he's just created. With the remaining end (stick with me here, 'cause I really want you to visualize the artistry of this!) he ties each of my hands about a foot-and-a-half apart. If I pull up on my arms it tugs the waist which tightens the groove in my pussy. I feel controlled yet in control.

We are standing and I put my bound arms behind Will's neck. He bites my shoulder while stretching and pulling different parts of the slinky love contraption. My one pussy lip swells up and pops out from the side of the sash. He enjoys exploring the tight space it makes and then dives his fingers into my very wet nether region. I love it!

"Probably best to leave my ass alone, it's a little sore," I tell him, "but my pussy needs some good plowing." Will has no problem with this. He absolutely loves my pussy and is happy to give it to me just like I want it. Yet this fuck's for him. It's pay back time and I want him to have the ride of his life. I do this with full love and gratitude. Maybe the Sahajiyas knew something smart about marriage. Maybe they knew that if prema-- Divine Love-- was attained from a ritualized outside love affair, that it could be used to enliven and enrich the commonness of matrimony. I think that this must be true. The prema I experienced from the night before has gestated inside me and my heart is now wide open. I want to give of myself completely.

He throws me on the living room couch. Taking my bound arms and placing them behind my knees, I find myself in a tight yoga ball. He has a beautiful, light-brownish full-sized cock and adeptly maneuvers it into my mouth. My throat yields like it did with Nigel, no resistance. It's not long before Will is throbbing and ready to plunge deep into my core. I'm not feeling the need to cum, so I tell him to go for it, unleash it on me. I'll get my orgasm later when my cum reservoir builds back up and I ask him for his fabulous head-giving skills-- he's the best at this, a total pro!

He pulls aside the part of the sash that has rested in my pussy folds, enters me and begins his ride. My pussy is hungry for him and he knows it. I am rolled, bound and free! I hold on for dear life as I get caught up in the whirl of ecstasy and ascend to paradise with him. Right before he cums, he exclaims, "Look at me! Look at me Sophia!" I do and I see a man completely and utterly in love. I am filled-up with Will's strong essence, enduring life-force and fierce passion. The dark void inside me is now completely gone. I love this man with all my heart. He sustains me like the earth I walk upon.

"So who gets to tie you up, Sophia? Who?... now who?" he says smugly, as I rest my head in his chest and his facile fingers release me from my love cuffs.

"You Babe, only you...," I promise.

"Yeah, because that's the husband's job and nobody else gets to do it."

My Sahajiya Lover

By now it must be apparent to you that I don't live a conventional life. I'm not purposely trying to live outside the mainstream, I'm only trying to be authentic and true to myself. For the past several years, a series of self-awakenings have led me to make certain choices which have led me down this particular path of eroticism. So I ask that you have an open mind and follow me on this journey of my Sahajiya Lover... it's a path of the juicy and the divine.

Let me begin by explaining what I have come to know about the Sahajiya religious cult. First of all, it is a philosophy that came into popularity in the Bengal region of India in the 16th century. It has roots in both Buddhism and Hinduism and is very tantric by nature; in this respect, it still exists today. It's followers believe that every object has an internal and external form and that the "sahaja," or internal form, is eternal and is an expression of Divine Love. They believed that the simplest and most direct way to experience the eternal is through bodily love.

The story of the romance between the Hindu God Krishna and his consort Radha is central to the Sahajiya philosophy. It is an intense, romantic and unconventional love that exists between a man and a woman who are bound together by the ideal of love for love’s sake. Never is Radha depicted as Krishna's wife. She is always another cowherd's wife or Krishna's favorite fuck-able milk-maiden. Hence, followers of the Sahajiya philosophy believe that sex between partners who are specifically NOT married to each other is the spiritual path towards experiencing exalted Divine Love.

But what about marriage, you may ask? In Sahajiya thought, marriage is not considered the highest ideal of love in so far as the intensity of emotion is concerned. Long association and acquaintance tend to kill the strange mystery of the "other" which is essential to creating a blissful, transcendent experience. With marriage, social convention and a legal binding take away much of the extreme passion. In a sense marriage, by its very nature, is mundane. Therefore the highest ideal of human love-- called "parakiya" love according to Sahajiya philosophy-- is the love that exists most privately between couples who are absolutely free in their love from any consideration of loss and gain, who defy society and transgress the law and make love the be-all and end-all of life. In this school of thinking, the most erotic, blissful, out-of-the-ordinary sexual love is always cultivated in a relationship apart from marriage.

Herein lies the story of Nigel and myself. I like to think of Nigel as my Sahajiya Lover. (I have no idea of what Nigel thinks about all of these ideas, this is totally my take on our relationship!) In my first post I briefly explained how important Nigel has been to me. He's not my husband and I have none of the normal marital ties with him. We have no children together, no mortgage, bills, legal or social responsibilities to each other. Our communication in between sessions is very limited. However, when I go see Nigel at his remote place in the country our purpose together is clear: we are with each other to explore the highest realm of eroticism. It's not just the gender-bending and the special way I get to fuck Nigel, it's also about the way that I've had my energy blasted wide open when we have been together. I have to say that I've attained states of consciousness with him that seem-- upon reflection-- other-worldly to me. During our sessions, it's like I have gone to the supra-natural blissful land of Vrindavan, where Krishna and Radha exist.

The Sahajiya emphasize the importance of the body and believe that it "embodies" the Universe. I think the main reason that Nigel is so special to me is the way that he is connected to his ass and the way that he has connected me to mine. From him I have learned that the ass is a wonderful thing. Before being with him, the ass meant something shameful, dirty, bad to me... you know, the asshole of the body... stinky, smelly and best not-thought-about. To say the least, I was disconnected from mine. Nigel, through our sessions together, has shown me how our asses can be squeaky clean, open, exhilarating and totally pleasurable! It is self-knowledge to the extreme. Somehow going in deep, opened me up to myself and to a greater reality. I feel so empowered knowing I can fuck with my ass and also fuck another's. I feel reunited with a part of myself that was previously cut-off and maligned. After a session with Nigel I feel connected to myself, to him and to the Universe... and yes, I feel ETERNAL. Well, I guess you can call me a big ANAL ADVOCATE and that my path to enlightenment has been through a dark tunnel.

So what exactly is a session with Nigel like? You can read about it in my up-and-coming memoir THE NIGEL SESSIONS ... UNLEASHING SACRED DESIRE. I cover our first 10 sessions together and the whole roller coaster ride of emotions that went with them. It's due out this summer. Or, you can keep reading this blog because my next post will talk about the latest session, #20 to be exact, that happened last week. It was a wild one!

Bring on the light!

I am, amongst many things, a writer who is compelled to tell the truth. I intend this blog to bring light to those who are seekers of experiencing life directly and feeling it fully. Everything I say here will be true with the exception that I am using a pen name so as not to upset or piss-off my family and friends; I have changed their names as well. I will discuss many things in ILLUMINATING THE DARK, but the top three are sexuality, autism and belly dance. I will also, at times, delve into the subjects of yoga, wicca, bipolar disorder, aging, family, staying healthy and whatever the hell else comes to mind. 

For this first post, let's start with sexuality. And let's start with mine. For the longest time I thought that I was really weird. I have always liked being a woman and love to fuck using straight conventional sex. Mysteriously though, I found having orgasms this way impossible unless I fantasized that I was a homosexual man. For many years, the height of my sexual ecstasy was when I imagined my husband's penis was my virtual penis and I was squirting virtual cum in a beautiful blond gay guy's virtual ass. But the cum I actually had was not virtual, it was real, always real. I eventually became addicted to these type fantasies because I knew they could flip whatever the switch in my brain was that released my orgasms. To this day, the homosexual man who lives inside me rules when it comes to my cums.

So, for twenty-eight years I lived with this secret about myself, save for my husband Will and a couple of close friends. Finally, after years of self-exploration and empowerment at wicca retreats (nature-based spiritual camps), I came to terms with myself about my sexuality. Call it synchronicity, call it serendipity, but shortly thereafter the Good Goddess made manifest to me the beautiful blond man of my dreams in real life... and his name was Nigel. So, at the ripe age of 50-years-old I began a wild, fantastic and "completely condoned by my husband" affair in which I pumped, prodded, poked and penetrated Nigel with an assortment of gorgeous strap-ons. I was surprised to find that I was actually a "switch," someone who likes both ends of things, so I was pumped, prodded, poked and penetrated by Nigel in return. Our lovemaking was the most egalitarian sex I have ever experienced with the lines between male and female, dominant and submissive, giver and receiver constantly and fluidly shifting. The affair was such an exhilarating turning point in my life, that I penned a full-length memoir documenting the whole thing. It's called "THE NIGEL SESSIONS... Unleashing Sacred Desire." I plan on publishing it Spring 2010 and will be posting excerpts from it on this blog from time-to-time.

More on all of this later... enough for the first post. My moment has arrived. I have finally lifted my lantern and am beginning my journey through the Infinite Internet. Follow if you will. My sincere intention is that my light shine on truth and that the truth be in the highest good for all.