URGE, SUBMERGE, VERGE, EMERGE: THE BIRTH OF MY BOOK

I’m back!!! I know it’s been nine months since last I wrote and I apologize for this. The final stage of manifesting my book into this reality has taken all my creative focus.

And yes, success!!! I am proud to announce that The Nigel Sessions . . . Unleashing Sacred Desire will be ready in just a few days for your biblio consumption. What a fascinating, fabulous journey this has been! I am presently on the threshold of the next phase of this authorship process-- promoting and marketing. In other words, now that the baby is born, I’ve got to raise it.

But first, here’s a mini-synopsis of the process thus far. Many years ago-- at least fifteen I believe-- I began saying that I wanted to write a book. People would always tell me that I had really good stories, so I figured that one day I’d sit down and write about my unique perspective on life. The imaginary book had a working title of Sophia Agapedis on Sex, Yoga, Belly Dancing and Autism. In format, it would be loosely based on Mae West’s memoir that I have always loved and read way back in the 1970’s, Mae West on Sex, Health and ESP.

The inspiration to write, however, never happened until my sexual relationship with Nigel began in 2004-- yes, for sure, he was my muse. That first year of our affair, I was on an adrenaline roller coaster ride of such dramatic proportions that I knew that I had better start some intense journaling to chronicle it lest I forget the details. This was the URGE to write, that first diligent, constant effort to get pen to paper. I think I must have filled at least ten thick journals in the five year span of our affair, which ended last spring (sad, but true! I’ll talk about that in another post) right after that phenomenal Session #20 (a few posts ago, read it, hot!). Even though my sex with Nigel was my inspiration to write, my book actually does include a lot of my ideas on yoga, belly dancing, autism, and some phenomenal sex scenes with my husband Will and others as well.

I began the actual Nigel Sessions book a year into the affair and that was the beginning of the SUBMERGE part. The process of write, rewrite, write, rewrite has been one of self-actualization to say the least; memoir as a Buddhist practice! I’ve learned so much about myself with every revision. Actually, I've gotten nicer and nicer as I stripped away my angst and uncovered the core truth of what I wanted to say. What an adventure! I have felt on the VERGE of completion now for quite awhile, with me thinking that each of these last revisions was the final one. Yeah, it feels like it's been a long, long awaited cum and I’m about to shoot for the moon!

The last three weeks have been especially challenging because the book was actually published online for several days and some friends have already bought it. But when I got my galleys (two prototype books, soft and hard cover) for final approval before the big printing, I found some small changes that needed to happen (spelling, grammar, couple of needed sentences here and there). So I am awaiting those final corrections to be done and it should be available online next week sometime. It’s kind of like having a newborn in the neonatal unit; I want to take that baby home!!!

Still, I couldn’t wait to let you all know that The Nigel Sessions . . . Unleashing Sacred Desire is about to EMERGE! In a few days I’ll also have a 7-page excerpt up for you to read-- but you know you want to buy it! Right!!!

Here’s the URL so you can at least check out the web site.

http://www2.xlibris.com/books/webimages/wd/75656/

I have to say I am very proud of this baby. It’s been five years in the making and I’ve never put so much energy into one art project. So please, buy it, read it, and if you like it, TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO BUY IT! (only the open-minded ones, of course.)

Now that the book is done, I’ll be writing in this blog more and will keep you posted about future book readings and signings.

Namaste,
Sophia

A Divine Revelation

On several occasions, people have asked me when the first time was that I realized I was a dancer. I tell them this story. It was such a life-altering experience that I have devoted two pages to it in my soon-to-be-released memoir, THE NIGEL SESSIONS... UNLEASHING SACRED DESIRE. The following is an excerpt, pages 64-66:


"The anxious exhilaration I feel driving to Session #2 is similar to that of when I drove to Session #1, only this time it feels even more like an acid trip. I did a lot of LSD in college (in Amish country, Lancaster, Pennsylvania) and there were many times when my hippie friends and I would stay up all night and have wonderful, crazy trips together. To help focus my mind as I make my way to Nigel's land, I get to thinking about those fun days.

There was one very memorable trip in which I had a profound realization of my destiny. It was in the middle of the summer of 1975. I was between my sophomore and junior year of college and this was right before I left for Bangor, Wales for a one-year-abroad program. It was midnight and about six of us were mightily tripping and full of energy. One of my friends worked as a part-time secretary at a Protestant Church and had the keys to it, so we gathered some musical instruments and snuck into the Chapel.

The Chapel itself was unpretentious and elegant. The sides of the room had exquisite stained-glass and on the floor was a wall-to-wall deep red carpet. On a raised platform toward the front was a simple wooden altar with a Bible that rested upon it. We set-up and began to play guitars, hand drums, tambourines, rattles and even the Church’s ornate organ. I remember the sound of the music being huge, sumptuous and fantastic.

I was so inspired by the music and the beauty of the room that I began to dance... stately at first and then wildly, with full expression and abandonment! I had just purchased a beige antique shawl from the late 1800's at a local flea market and used this as a prop as I twirled, gyrated, pulsed and leaped around the altar. Everything I did was perfectly timed with the music and seemed to be sublimely connected to Universal Spirit.

When the music suddenly and climatically stopped, I released the fancy flesh-colored, floral-patterned shawl and it fell into a perfect semicircle around the altar. At the same instant I dropped dramatically to the floor landing flat on my back with my feet underneath. It was then-- at that impeccable moment-- that I had a major realization: I AM A SACRED TEMPLE BELLY DANCER! It was as if I had remembered this from a past life because the dance came to me so naturally and effortlessly. I knew that being a priestess belly dancer was in my destiny for this life as well. The dance movement I had done, I found out years later, had a name; it is called a Turkish Drop.

This revelatory moment wasn’t just in my head. Everyone was enthralled at the time and also in awe the following day when we were lounging, recouping our energy and recollecting our trips-- something we usually did after one of these drug experiences. We were laughing about how when the cops came we were able to hide in the church pews and sneak out before they caught us. And then everyone mentioned my dance and how much it moved them.

I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t done LSD. Would I have become the psychologist I had originally intended to be?"

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And so, Illuminating the Dark blog reader, I ask you, have you ever had such a Divine Revelation about your own life?... a moment in time when your destiny has been revealed to you and your life is changed forever?

Belly Dance... my Religion and the Ultimate Drag Act

Let me just say from the start that I love belly dance. It is a deep part of who I am. Growing up Greek in New Jersey I saw a lot of belly dancers at our big events such as regional tri-state gatherings, christenings and weddings. There would be a Greek band leader announcing to the crowd, "The Belly Dancer is coming... The Belly Dancer is coming!" and out would appear this gorgeous, bombshell Goddess of a woman all bedecked and bejeweled. We, the kids, would be sitting on the floor in front of the front row and we were mesmerized and in love with her. She would swirl, twirl, shake and shimmy and above all, she was a glorious mystery. In a patriarchal world where the most powerful and revered woman was The Virgin Mary-- all sad and totally unsexy-- The Belly Dancer was a beautiful, refreshing and far more satisfying Goddess to believe in. Little did I know that I, the smart girl in school who was supposed to be a lawyer, doctor or psychologist, would turn out to be, amongst other things, a college belly dance teacher. I give grades for belly dance!

My career in the dance began way back in 1975 when I was in college. I was a drama major studying at the University of North Wales for my junior year and I was asked to play a dancing Bedouin princess in Henrik Ibsen's play Peer Gynt. With no real belly dancers around to teach me, I bluffed my way through the performance by using my early memories of dancers. It was very exciting and everyone said I was a natural. The whole experience piqued my curiosity and so after returning to America for my senior year in Lancaster, PA., I started taking classes from a Lebanese woman who lived in town. After college-- armed with my drama degree and lots of waitressing experience-- I moved to Los Angeles and studied some more. It was then that I realized that belly dance wasn't just a passing fancy. I was hooked. Long story short, belly dance has become a way of life for me and an important part of my spirituality.

Goddess energy is something I actively call into myself when I dance. "The Temple of the Beautiful Dancer and Holy Drummer" is what I like to say at our monthly coffee house gigs. I even pass the tar (hand drum) around for people to donate. I tell them if they give $5 they're exonerated from a little sin. If they give a $20 they get off on a few more and $100 means forgiveness for a whole week! Only in this religion, instead of being preached at and being told that you are a sinner, we offer hope and absolution through a pulsing, driving beat and redemption through sexy female compassion and love. Sometimes I even burst into a spontaneous prose or rhyming "little sermon" meant to inspire the crowd. I dance while speaking and cover subjects like "perseverance" or "the changing moon." The crowd walks away with something deep to think about and a renewed sense of hope for their lives. And we get some nice tip money! Along with the belly dance teacher, I guess you can say that I am also a career belly dancing priestess.

When I dance I am bigger than my everyday self and here in lies my Drag Act. First off the name, I am not "Sophia" but rather "Agape" (love) when I dance. Sophia doesn't style her hair or wear a full face of stage make-up, Agape does. Sophia has small, perky nubile breasts, Agape's breasts range from A's to D's depending on the costume. Sophia's work-clothes are cotton pants and exercise tops, Agape goes for very expensive silks, brocades and rhinestones. When I am Agape, I am big, big, bigger! I am an exaggerated female and given my complex sexuality with my fantasy penis and all, I really feel like I'm in drag. After seeing RuPaul's Drag Race show on the LOGOS channel, I have to say that I feel a simpatico with these hermaphroditic transvestites competing to be #1. On this show you also get to see these female impersonators talking as their regular, normal selves without make-up, etc and it's fascinating (they're all femmy, but definitely guys). Like myself, the double persona is always there for them. When I'm in all my belly dance gear with sparkles, boobs, painted lips, glamorous eyes and hair, I feel just like one of them and totally understand where they are coming from.

Belly dance for me is a wonderful expression of many facets of life, sexuality, spirituality, passion and connection. So the next time you hear, "The Belly Dancer is coming! The Belly Dancer is coming!" stand up and salute the living Goddess in the Flesh-- and if you look under her skirt, you may just find a lovely penis.

Bring on the light!

I am, amongst many things, a writer who is compelled to tell the truth. I intend this blog to bring light to those who are seekers of experiencing life directly and feeling it fully. Everything I say here will be true with the exception that I am using a pen name so as not to upset or piss-off my family and friends; I have changed their names as well. I will discuss many things in ILLUMINATING THE DARK, but the top three are sexuality, autism and belly dance. I will also, at times, delve into the subjects of yoga, wicca, bipolar disorder, aging, family, staying healthy and whatever the hell else comes to mind. 

For this first post, let's start with sexuality. And let's start with mine. For the longest time I thought that I was really weird. I have always liked being a woman and love to fuck using straight conventional sex. Mysteriously though, I found having orgasms this way impossible unless I fantasized that I was a homosexual man. For many years, the height of my sexual ecstasy was when I imagined my husband's penis was my virtual penis and I was squirting virtual cum in a beautiful blond gay guy's virtual ass. But the cum I actually had was not virtual, it was real, always real. I eventually became addicted to these type fantasies because I knew they could flip whatever the switch in my brain was that released my orgasms. To this day, the homosexual man who lives inside me rules when it comes to my cums.

So, for twenty-eight years I lived with this secret about myself, save for my husband Will and a couple of close friends. Finally, after years of self-exploration and empowerment at wicca retreats (nature-based spiritual camps), I came to terms with myself about my sexuality. Call it synchronicity, call it serendipity, but shortly thereafter the Good Goddess made manifest to me the beautiful blond man of my dreams in real life... and his name was Nigel. So, at the ripe age of 50-years-old I began a wild, fantastic and "completely condoned by my husband" affair in which I pumped, prodded, poked and penetrated Nigel with an assortment of gorgeous strap-ons. I was surprised to find that I was actually a "switch," someone who likes both ends of things, so I was pumped, prodded, poked and penetrated by Nigel in return. Our lovemaking was the most egalitarian sex I have ever experienced with the lines between male and female, dominant and submissive, giver and receiver constantly and fluidly shifting. The affair was such an exhilarating turning point in my life, that I penned a full-length memoir documenting the whole thing. It's called "THE NIGEL SESSIONS... Unleashing Sacred Desire." I plan on publishing it Spring 2010 and will be posting excerpts from it on this blog from time-to-time.

More on all of this later... enough for the first post. My moment has arrived. I have finally lifted my lantern and am beginning my journey through the Infinite Internet. Follow if you will. My sincere intention is that my light shine on truth and that the truth be in the highest good for all.